Marble Angel
by Just Silver
Summary: Harry/Lucius. Harry struggles with the aftermath of the events in Swan.
1. Lunacy

A/N: For Random Thought, who gave such a touching plea for continuation that it couldn't be ignored.  
  
Thank you to all those who reviewed and have continued to review Swan. I love that fic.  
  
Warnings: Unabashedly slash. M/M action. Got a problem with that? Leave.  
  
***  
It seems so unreal. Last night I was in ecstacy, reveling in something distinctly forbidden. Now I'm here. Back at Hogwarts. Everything is different, but it hasn't changed at all. I've walked around in a sort of daze all day, touching everyhitng. I could feel the smooth, polished wood beneath my fingers; hard, unforgiving stone beneath my feet; the heat eminating from the common room fire. My mind just refuses to accept that after what happened, everything else could be so mundane. They hadn't changed, but I had and that made all the difference, really.  
  
My mind kept wandering back to the car that drove us here. The sky glowed white-hot in anticipation of the sun and shades of blue and purple twilight fled before it. But I didn't care about the dawn. I cared about him. Sitting less than three feet away from me, he never seemed so distant. What was he thinking beneath that marble-angel calm- the composure I had seen broken last night? was it your soul I glimpsed then? Why do you hide it from me now? Speak to me. The silence is killing me.   
  
But the words never came and I never gathered enough courage to make the first move. God, I'm stupid. Now I'd give anything to know what you were thinking, what your next move is. You won't go back to him, will you? You can't go back to him. Can you? You can't break me apart, heal me, and go back to licking the boots of a son of a bitch who has tried to murder me all my life. But you will and when we meet face-to-face I won't be able to hurt you, Lucius, because I feel connected to you, trapped by feelings I can't begin to describe. Do you feel them too? One can only wonder.   
  
Maybe one day I'll be ashamed, disgusted at myself for what I let you do, but for now I think about last night and I just want it to happen over again. Want to feel your lips on mine, your hands on my hips, feel you inside me. Look into those eyes that hardly ever show emotion and see them burning. Stroke your soft blond hair. Pretty Lucius. Mine. Oh, I almost wish that were true. Almost. It has to be complete lunacy to want Lucius Malfoy. Damn. Guess that makes me a lunatic. Fun.   
  
***  
Sorry for lack of length, but it's a start! suggestions? Comments? Review!  
  
Love,  
J. Silver 


	2. Just a Wee Bit of Viciousness

A/N: I swear, I could almost compile a CD from all the songs that remind me of this pairing. The latest one is "Stitches" by Orgy. (Surprise, surprise.) I know I should give my lethargic writing skills a dose of caffeine and wake them up so that I can write more of all the other fics, but schoolwork, social obligations, and an unusual crush are competing for my time right now. Sorry!  
  
Thank you chocolate frog, Pepperjack Candy, Brit, Choco, OMG (suggestion noted), abbey, Coqui, RandomThought, Dee, Mrrrisa, Fleur ---@, Megan, Min_1979, Ema Lee, Rowe (*bows* Thank you, I do try. *grin*), Rubicon, Ice Diablo, and Redhawk.   
***  
It's funny how the less you try to think about something, the more you think about it. It's as if the subject takes on a life of it's own and tenaciously refuses to go away. So I've given up. At least my schedule's predictable. Wake up. Think about Lucius. Breakfast. Musings on Lucius. Lunch. Ponder Lucius. Dinner, followed by a rousing round of brooding on Lucius. Sleep. Repeat.  
  
And in all my musings I can't help but wonder if you think of me. Do you think of me as often as I think of you- every second of every day? Even in my sleep, you're there. The same bed. The same scenario. Always the same damned scenario. I wake up just in time to stop myself from crying out your name, burying my face in the pillows to muffle the sobs.   
  
Why did you do it? Why did you do this to me, of all people? How dare you leave me like this? Sunk in what some may call depravity, what I call my own corner of hell. This is what hell is, isn't it- wanting something you can't have, craving something you're not supposed to want to begin with, suffering all this and not being able to seek comfort?  
  
It hurts to know that what we did was so wrong. I wish I could tell someone, but they'd be disgusted if they knew? Can you imagine the looks on their faces if the found out that perfect little Harry Potter had spent the night in a death eater's bed? Perfect masks of horror and loathing. That thought shouldn't make me smile, but it does. I think some people would die from shock. The world would fall apart- all because I'm not perfect and I never claimed to be. I'd like to see it happen, but not now. Too many things are at stake.  
  
Damn you. You are so lucky that you are nowhere near me right now. If Voldemort doesn't kill you for disobeying his orders- H'm. That's something I never considered before. Will Voldemort kill you? Dumbledore told me he shows no mercy to his followers. Is it the same for you? Or are you the exception? Malfoys are always the exception, as your blasted son keeps reminding me.  
  
I hate him. He looks so much like you. It's uncanny, really. It's just another reason for me to want to hurt him. I get so angry every time I see him. For a moment I think he's you. God, I want it to be you. But the realization that he's not hits me like a load of bricks. It's always the same. He's noticed that there's something different about me. He even knows what it is.   
  
"Christ, Potter," he said to me in Potions today, eyes widening ever so slightly. "You're not a virgin anymore."  
"Fuck off, Malfoy," I responded. It was childish, I know, but he brings out the worst in me.  
"You aren't! Who is the traumatized girl? Granger?" he drawled, smirking.  
"No. It was your father." All the color drained from his face and his smirk vanished. I smiled viciously. "Scamper along, ferret boy. Go bother someone else." He seemed incapable of moving.   
"My father wouldn't have sex with you," he said quietly.   
"Why? Are you the only one allowed to sleep with your father? I'll bet your mother has something to say about that."  
"I told you before: Don't talk about my mother."  
"And I've told you before: Sod off and keep your nose out of my fucking business." Actually I've never said that before but my use of swearing and a rather nasty tone seemed to surprise him and he backed off.  
"Harry, what was that all about?" Ron asked, his face the personification of concern.  
"Nothing. I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to mess with his head." Ron nodded, but something told me that he didn't buy that for one instant.  
***  
That's all I've got for today! Comments? Suggestions? Questions? Review, darlings!  
  
Luv always,  
J. Silver  
  



	3. What's an affair with a man old enough t...

A/N: Sorry for the delay, but I have to reject five ideas and then consolidate bits and pieces of them to get a workable chapter.  
  
Thank you Artema, Rubicon, SophieB., Rehanna, Fluer---@, UserFriendly (is it really sad? I was starting to think it wasn't angsty enough.), Pepperjack Candy, Redhawk, RandomThought, Tinuviel, and Alchemy.   
***  
I woke up from another dream of Lucius to find Ron sitting on my bed. He looked so pain-stricken, doe eyes reflecting light as they looked at me. "God, tell me what's wrong. I want to help you so much Harry. Just tell me what to do," he whispered softly, hand resting on my arm.  
"There's nothing," I said. "You can't help me."  
"What's wrong."  
"I can't tell you." I think he winced.  
"You can tell me anything."  
"Not this." Now I know he winced and I saw the wheels turn as he tried to figure out what could be so horrible that I couldn't tell him. Finally he rose. He crossed to his bed and began to put on his bathrobe.  
"Where are you going?"  
"To Dumbledore. Maybe he can figure out what's wrong with you," Ron replied. In a flash, I was out of bed and on my knees.  
"Ron, please. Don't." Dumbledore would never forgive me for this. He'd think I betrayed him.  
"Then what the hell is your problem?" I rose defeated and whispered to Ron what happened. His eyes went wide with shock.  
  
"We've got to tell someone. What he did- Harry!" He didn't understand. He thought Lucius had-  
"No, no, no." I said quickly. "It's not what he did. It's what we did."  
"We? You let him? Are you insane?" I laughed quietly. I was close to it. Wanting him was driving me mad. "You can't be serious."  
"Dead serious."  
"You fucked Lucius Malfoy?" I felt a swell of indignation at what happened that night being reduced to such crude terms, but it passed when I reminded myself that Ron couldn't possible comprehend what happened in full when I didn't understand it either. I nodded slowly. "And now you regret it?" Regret it? I wish I did. Regret had to be easier than this all-consuming lust to feel him. I thought of his lips against mine, his soft skin- Oh god, I'm doing it again.   
"No. Far from it. I want it to happen again."  
  
The words hung in the air- me refusing to take them back and Ron refusing to accept them. "Harry-"  
"Forget it. I didn't expect you to understand. Feel free to hate me now."  
"Hate you? Is that what you thought I'd do? Geez, after all we've been through, I shouldn't be surprised at anything you do anymore." I gave a tremendous sigh of relief. "But you sure know how to pick them. The man hates you."  
"I'm not so sure about that."  
"You shag him once and he's a completely new person? Yeah, right."  
"Wasn't once."  
"Sweet mother of God! Please, spare me the gory details." I laughed.  
"Deal."  
***  
Um...right. Next chapter has already been started so you shouldn't have too much of a wait on that. All I can say for certain is that Draco's in it. Please review! Oh and for all of you who haven't heard yet, I'm starting a list on yahoo! for hpslash authors and readers because I really miss author alert! The url is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/hpslash_alert. What can you do there? Well, pretty much whatever you want! I'm flexible!  
  
Love,  
J. Silver 


	4. Stop it

A/N: Wow! I'm busy today. I finally finished this chapter! Unfortunately, it didn't turn out the way I wanted it to.  
  
Thank you to all you wonderful people who reviewed. I love you, but I need to be off the computer in about ten seconds.  
  
***  
Stop. Stop doing this to yourself. It's pathetic. Stop thinking about him. Stop remembering what he smelled like. Stop wanting him. Don't think about it. Stop wanting to go to him. Stop confusing sex and love and for Heaven's sake stop wondering how many physical similarities there really are between Lucius and Draco!  
  
"Fuck him and be done with it," Ron said after Potions.  
"Excuse me?" I knew my mind must've been wandering. Ron did not say what I think he just said.   
"Malfoy. Just screw him already."  
"Ron, we've been saying that for years, but I sense that you mean it in an entirely different manner. Besides, what makes you think I have any interest in even going near Malfoy?"  
"Puh-leeze. What, am I blind now? Judging by that look, if you had things your way, Malfoy'd be your bitch in chains and leather." I was speechless for several moments as I gaped at Ron. How did he-? And did he-? Chains and leather? I laughed harder than I'd laughed in days.  
"Why stop at chains and leather?" I asked slyly. Ron simply shook his head.  
"I want my best friend back- not the horny bastard that looks like him."  
  
And I want my sanity back. I want to wake up and not wish that my dreams had been real. I want to be ignorant of what he feels like inside me. I want this to be a phase that will pass before dinner. I want to be normal in at least one aspect of my life.   
  
"Well, life's a bitch. Nobody gets what they want."  
  
All I wanted was to be loved for me, not because of my fame and what do I get? I get my deepest wish twisted into something dark and so goddamned alluring wrapped with a neat little bow. But for all its darkness, it had been deliciously sweet. If I deluded myself enough, I could make myself believe that he cared about me.  
  
"Well if what you want is evil, old, married, and of the wrong gender, it's going to be difficult to obtain."  
"One, he's not that old. Two, why does he have to be the wrong gender?"  
"You answered your own question Harry." I laughed- not a joyful laugh that was becoming increasingly rare, but the "God, I'm a nut and my life can't get any worse" laugh.   
"Don't tell me you're homophobic."  
"No, but you have to understand that this is a big shock for me-"  
"A big shock for you? What do you think it was for me? It's not like I asked for this."   
  
I didn't ask for his slender arms around me, those soft lips crushing mine with an almost savage force, the length of his body pressed against mine. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Just for five minutes, get out of my fucking head!   
  
I sank to the floor, hands clamped over my face as if I was trying to keep the images out. A hot tear slid down my cheek and then another and another and another. "Harry-"  
"I can't take this anymore, Ron. I can't. I have to do something," I sobbed.  
"Dry your eyes. Let's got to Hogsmeade. Maybe some cocoa will cheer you up." I looked up at him. Was he really dense enough to think that a mug of cocoa could solve this? He smiled apologetically. "If nothing else, it'll taste good."   
"Fine."  
  
We went to Hogsmeade under the invisibility cloak, using the secret passage underneath the old witch. Upon entering the Three Broomsticks, I walked smack into Malfoy. "Watch where you're going, Potter." He sneered. I wonder if he has any idea how contorted his features become when he does that.  
"Why don't you go run ands tell your father? Maybe he can bully someone into doing something about it, slaughter a few hippogriffs if he's lucky." The sneer vanished from Malfoy's face to be replaced by a look of pain. His mouth compressed in a thin line and he stormed off.  
"What was that about?" Ron asked.  
"Didn't you hear?" Madam Rosemerta asked, showing us to a booth.  
"Hear what?" I inquired.  
"Lucius Malfoy is dead."  
  
***  
What happens next? Review, dears!  
  
love,   
J. Silver 


	5. Remus

A/N: I know that last chapter was an evil cliffie...I was touched by how many of you were upset that I killed him.   
  
Thank you RandomThought, jennylovesnick, Rubicon ("Too sodding hot to be killed"? I agree totally...), Redhawk, Fleur---@, Min_1979, Pepperjack Candy, Mortalus, Kissaki, MiniMe (A Harry/Neville fic? I'll see what I can do.), and Annclaire.  
  
***  
*blank* Oh, look, I can see all my words and coherent thoughts being shoved into a bag and carried out by masked henchmen. My mouth is open and I know it must look unseemly, so I shut it quickly. "Are you sure?" Ron asked.  
"Oh, yeah," Rosemerta said. "It was all over the Daily Prophet this morning. Are you okay?" I laughed- a dark, cynical laugh.   
"Harry?" Ron asked.  
"What's wrong with you? Show some common decency," Rosemerta whispered. People were starting to stare. It didn't matter. I was in hysterics.   
"I'm sorry. Pressure," Ron muttered to Rosemerta, seizing me under the arms and dragging me to the nearest table. "I'm going to place our order. Pull yourself together."  
  
By the time he came back, I had calmed down somewhat. I wasn't laughing, now I was muttering to myself. It figures. It so figures. Dead. Stop the world. I'll get off at the next exit and go insane. Ron slid into the seat across from me.   
  
"How?" I asked.  
"Fire."  
"Body?"  
"Ashes and some splinters of bone." I nodded dumbly, trying to ignore the lump in my throat.   
"I'll be goddamned. This is absolutely incredible," I replied, shaking my head. Again that dark laugh.  
"Are you okay?"  
"Okay how? I'm walking, talking, and living, but..." I can't breathe. I can't see. I can't think. And I can't bear to be in this place a moment longer. So I run. I run all the way to Hogwarts. I must've left my eyes in the Three Broomsticks because I run into somebody else.   
  
"Excuse me," I mumbled quickly.  
"Harry-" I looked up in surprise, startled to find myself face-to-face with Remus Lupin.  
"Professor Lupin?" He smiled.  
"Yes."  
"But Sirius said that you were in India."  
"I was."  
"What are you doing back at Hogwarts?"  
"I've come back to teach. But something's bothering you. What is it?"  
"Nothing," I said, forcing a smile.  
"Liar."  
"Do you remember Draco Malfoy?"  
"Of course."  
"His father is dead."  
"And?"  
"And? A man is dead and all you have to say is and?" I demanded.   
"You're all better off."  
"How can you say that?"   
"Why are you so concerned? One less death eater is cause to celebrate." I can't think of how to reply to that without giving myself away. It's not like Remus to say those things. He sounded wistful- almost sad. And what did he mean by "you're"?  
  
Over the next few days I noticed that Remus wasn't acting like himself. He seems normal to everyone else, but its little things that aren't right. He didn't know right away who Snuffles was and my Patronus seems to have escaped his memory completely. Something is not right. I know it. I 've been following him around as of late. He spends a lot of time with Snape. When I was a third year, Snape could not stand Lupin and now they're rather chummy. What gives?  
  
Closets are cramped. No, that's not a random observation. I'm stuffed in a small closet in Snape's office to see if I can figure out what's wrong with Remus. There's stuff perched precariously on more stuff, which is balanced on the edge of the top shelf. Guess all that talk about class safety doesn't carry over into real life. I hear them now.  
  
"Severus, I can't do this anymore."  
"Don't be ridiculous. You're a fine teacher."  
"That's not what I meant." Remus cleared his throat. Or at least it sounded like Remus. I can't actually see anything.  
"Then what do you mean?"  
"I'm so close."  
"I miss him," I gave a start. I know that voice. That's not the voice of Remus Lupin. That's the voice of Lucius Malfoy. And that's when everything in the closet came crashing down on me.   
  
***  
Oh! ^.^ What is going on? We'll find out next chapter dears. Meanwhile, please review.  
  
Love,  
J. Silver  



	6. Ouch

A/N: Just a short little chapter that needs to be written. I got three reviews asking me why the heck I was taking so long. I guess that means it's time to post.  
  
Thank you Rachel Granger, Min, Redhawk, Coqui, AngelicPyro, Princess of Insanity, sinead, ~*Black Dreamz*~, moira, Mordred, Essence, UserFriendly, Random Thought, Artema, Mortalus, Gwen, Pepperjack Candy, fleur---@, Sophie B., Goddess, Annclaire, and Jivanna.  
  
As if I'd really kill Lucius in this fic! ^_^   
  
***  
Ouch. That's going to leave a mark. I lay still for a moment, hoping against all hope and common sense that Snape and whoever didn't hear that. The door swung open and I was dragged out of the closet by the back of my robes. "You!" Snape growled.  
"Let him go, Severus," Remus said quietly.  
"But-"  
"Let him go." Snape looked from me to Remus and bit his lip in frustration. He dropped me unceremoniously to the floor.  
"Get out, Potter."  
  
"What is going On?" I demanded, rising to my feet.  
"Nothing that concerns you," Snape said coldly.  
"But I heard-"  
"You heard what?" he snapped. Oh, damn. Why does he have to be such an asshole? I bit my lip. Don't cry. Lately all I seem to want to do is cry. It's like I'm three again.  
"Harry?" I looked at Remus. "Go back to Gryffindor tower." His remark was accompanied by a challenging glance at Snape, who merely nodded. I stumbled out of the room, trying to comprehend this latest turn of events, shutting the door behind me. I crouched by the keyhole. Never let it be said that I wasn't a persistent little bugger.  
  
"You're letting your feelings for him get in the way!"  
"I know, Severus."  
"Do you? You certainly don't act like it."  
"Give me time. I need time to adjust to...things."  
"With Potter sneaking around in closets, we don't have time. He may not be particularly bright, but he can add one and one together."  
"You mean two and two."  
"No. He'd get lost on that one."  
"He's smarter than you think."  
"All the more reason for you to get your act together."  
"Can't we just tell him? I bet he'd be useful."  
"Useful? In or out of the bedroom, Lu-pin?"  
"That was unnecessary."  
"He's the reason you're here in the first place."  
"I'm the reason I'm here in the first place."  
  
Useful? Me? And what's with that bedroom reference? It made me horribly uncomfortable that Snape would even refer to me in anything remotely resembling a sexual sense. There are some pains that I should be spared. Does Remus know what's going on? The one thing I'm sure of is this: that man was not Remus Lupin.  
  
***  
More soon, dears, but I'm busy trying to figure out the complexities of the Calvin cycle. I'll try to have more of something up soon. Meanwhile, review!  
  
Love,  
J. Silver  
  
  
  



	7. Maps are useful things

A/N: I'm so sorry for the long wait, but this story took a wrong turn somewhere and I was trying to sort it out. This chapter is very short. My apologies again.  
  
Thank you Karyn Mahogany, Kit Cloudkicker, Foxsong, magma, Akira, Couscous Girl, Angelic Pyro, Rube, Redhawk, Goddess ( my Harry is always a bit of an idiot. I like him that way.), Annclaire, SophieB., liz, RandomThought, Silverfox, Erin LaCroix, Minna, little hecate, Mini Me, Essence, Pepperjack Candy, Jivanna, Fleur, and moira. Thank you so much for your patience!  
***  
  
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm stupid. I'm absolutely retarded. Why didn't I think of this before? "Map, map, map," I muttered, rummaging through my trunk. "Book, book, homework, jeans, book. Damn! Where's the map?" The Marauders' Map had to be in here somewhere. One simply does not lose an enchanted map. Unless one is me.   
  
"C'mon. If I was a map, where would I be?" In an atlas. Duh! Wrong answer. Let's try this again. If I were a magical map used to make trouble where would I be? Filch's office. My trunk. I glared evilly at my trunk. I wish I knew some sort of charm to help me find...it. Summoning charms! Hey, I might have a brain yet. "Accio, Marauders' Map!"   
  
Note to self: In the future, empty pockets.  
  
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." The spidery lines of ink spread across the parchment and, once again, I had a complete map of Hogwarts. The only problem was that I had no idea who I was looking for or where I might find them. I couldn't look for Remus Lupin because Remus Lupin was in India. I didn't know who the impostor was, but Lucius Malfoy...I could try looking for him. Aha! Staff wing, fourth floor. Er...staff?   
  
Here it was. Staff wing, fourth floor. Painting of a moonlit night. I looked at the map. "Veritas," I said. The painting swung open. I stepped inside.  
"You're not Remus." He looked up from his papers.  
"Don't be ridiculous."  
"I know you're not Remus."  
"Harry-"  
"Lucius." He froze and backed away. He sat down on his bed, shoulders sagging in defeat.  
"How did you know?" he asked tiredly.  
"This map," I answered, suddenly feeling very awkward. Silence.  
  
"Why did you fake your death?"  
"Voldemort was bound to find out what I did. Rather than wait for him to come after me, I took the initiative. Faking my death buys me some time."  
"They found human remains."  
"There are human remains all throughout the catacombs of Malfoy Manor."   
"Call me crazy, but I find the thought of hundreds of dead relatives beneath me unsettling."  
"They have their uses."  
"Okay, so you dragged the body of one of your relatives into the blazing inferno and left it there, knowing that they would think it was you?" I asked. He smiled.  
"Something like that."  
"And you got to Hogwarts how?" He brushed his hair out of his eyes. It was growing longer and fairer as we spoke.  
"I spoke with Severus, who spoke to Dumbledore, who spoke to Remus Lupin on my behalf. He gave me permission to assume his identity for as long as necessary." Golden brown eyes were now clouded with wisps of silver.  
"And how long is that?"  
"Until I complete my task."  
"Which is?"  
"To break apart the death eaters."   
***  
Comments, suggestions, and threats all recieved with great joy. Review!  
  
Love,  
J. Silver 


	8. Small Word. Vast Implications.

A/N: Hello! ^_^ I'm working hard, darlings. In everything. On everything. So pardon me if I don't get to your favorite fic right away.  
  
Thank you ostia, mystica, Minna, Redhawk, Fleur, Couscous Gril, Pepperjack Candy, MiniMe, Annclaire, and Rehanna.   
  
For the record, I imagine Lucius to be in his late 30s to early 40s. A lot of people were asking about that.   
  
***  
This is just a bit too bizarre for me. Break up the death eaters? Lucius Malfoy- working with Dumbledore, teaching defense against dark arts in the guise of my dead fathers' best friend, who willingly agreed to help, and plotting against Lord Voldemort. Yeah, right. And Voldemort loves widows and orphans...for breakfast.  
  
"You're joking."  
"Have I ever lied to you, Harry?" By now the Polyjuice potion, (I assume it was Polyjuice potion) had worn off and Lucius's normal voice had returned. It should be illegal to have a voice like that- rich and dark and deep and heavy with temptation. It was like Nature specifically crafted him with seduction in mind.  
"To me? No. To others? Constantly."  
"Trust me."  
"Why should I?"  
"You want to."   
"I want a lot of things." Like you. In leather. On top of me. In chains. Christ, am I really that kinky? C'mon, Potter, pull your mind out of the gutter long enough to figure out what the hell is going on.  
"You owe your life to me," he said dully.  
"Am I supposed to thank you for that?"  
"It is customary."  
"It's also customary to lie and say you'll call." A quiet understanding lit up his eyes.  
"Is that what this is about? What was I supposed to do?"  
"The entire thing was wrong. It was all wrong. We should never have- I mean-" Damn it. Not tears. Anything but tears. He stood and put his arms around me. "What are you doing?"  
"Proving that what seems wrong can sometimes feel right." He kissed me, lips closing over mine. It was a special kind of death. It hurt so exquisitely. Why are moths continually drawn to a flame? Maybe they like being burnt.  
  
"That's just it. It feels right, but it isn't," I murmured against his lips.  
"Who says that it's wrong?"   
"It's illegal."  
"Don't care."  
"You're married."  
"I don't have to be."  
"I'm a guy." He chuckled.  
"I'm fully aware of that."  
"Voldemort will kill you."  
"He'd have killed me anyway. it was only a matter of time." I was at a loss.  
"What do you want?"  
"you." Small word. Vast implications. Naughty mental picture. How'd that get in there?  
"Me?"  
"Just you. Here. With me."   
"If you want me then take me." I'm tired of resisting, tired of fighting, tired of this bone-deep ache to feel him.  
  
This is wrong. This is so wrong. But how can it be wrong when every fiber of my being just wants more? "Do you know what it does to me to see you everyday and not be able to touch you?" he asked, pushing his hips against mine. I moaned softly.  
"No."  
"It destroys me- to watch you come in, to watch you leave sometimes without so much as a backward glance."  
"You lie," I whispered.  
"I could. But why lie to you?"  
"You just want to get into my pants."  
"I'm already there."  
"So it would seem." He smiled, hands moving teasingly up my thighs.   
  
"Dumbledore is going to hate me in the morning."  
"Sirius will kill you if he finds out."  
"I'd rather die later then let you leave here and die now."  
"Since when did you become sentimental?"  
"Since I learned to hate you."  
"How can hating me make you sentimental?"   
"You talk entirely too much."  
"Make me shut up then."  
"Oh, I don't want you to shut up. I just want you to stop talking. There will be plenty of time for that in the morning."  
"What do we do from now until the morning?" He merely smiled.   
  
***  
If I'm getting too sentimental, hit me with a sensibilty stick, k? Please be kind and review!  
  
love,  
J. Silver 


	9. Impossibilities

A/N: I can't shake the feeling that this entire chapter is crap. However, it's the only crap I have and I couldn't find a beta. -_-; Hopefully, you'lll think better of it than I do. If not, I'll redo it after the holidays. Deal?  
  
Thank you Midnight Reader, CaratGold, Mystica, Erin LaCroix, Foxsong, Couscous Girl, Coqui ( sirius? I don't know. I'm kinda at a loss right now.), Rubicon,Fleur Rochard, coriander, Annclaire, Redhawk, moira, ostia, nobody, Amarissia, Rehanna, PepperjackCandy, and Red Joker, whose reviews alone put my writing to shame.  
  
***  
"God, please... yes." His hands running along my spine. His hips set firmly against mine.  
"I don't remember you being this vocal during our last encounter."  
"I wasn't this desperate during our last encounter."  
"So desperation brings you to me? Maybe I should leave you desperate. Then I can be certain you'll come back."  
"Don't you dare. I'll come back anyway. I know it."  
"You know it? How?"  
"I need you. Need this." my hands moving of their own volition inside his robes, resting against his chest.  
"Need what?" Kisses like this, long, deep, lazy that make desire wind its scarlet tendrils around my brain and through my body. "H'm?" Hands sliding down my torso.  
"Need for you to touch me...there. God yes."   
"Are you sure it's enough?" He grins mischievously and my heart stops. Who would've thought Lucius Malfoy could grin like that?  
"Not sure of anything anymore." He moves his hips fluidly and I hastily make to remove his robes entirely. One thing I am sure of- I can't control this anymore. I don't want to control this anymore. I arched up against him. He moaned softly.   
"What do you want, love?" he whispers.   
"I want you to fuck me so hard that coherent thought is an impossibility." I wish I could blush when I say that. I wish I could sound less needy. But I've never been good at subtlety and now does not seem like a good time to start.  
"Done."   
  
I'm willing myself to enjoy this moment. I want to stay this way for at least half an eternity- wrapped in his arms, deliriously comfortable. He turns his head and I shift my body slightly to see what he's looking at. "Severus," Lucius said quietly. He makes no move to hide me and for my part, I don't care. I'm too tired and feeling too goddamned amazing to be ashamed right now.  
"Are you absolutely insane?" Snape's voice was low, cold. Lucius didn't answer, gathering me to his chest instead. "He's the same age as your son."  
"Get out," I said suddenly. "What goes one here is none of your business."  
"I beg to differ, Potter. It is as much my business as it is the headmaster's. You know what his conditions were, Lucius."   
"What were they?" I asked quietly. He sighed.  
"Dumbledore agreed to help me if I promised to stay away from you."  
"I think that it's quite clear that you have broken that promise."  
"I came to him," I said.  
"Oh, now you're defending him. Be careful. This would make the front page of every newspaper in the world."  
"Fuck them. I don't care."  
"You are so dense. Don't you realize that you are not your own person? You simply cannot do whatever you want whenever you want because you carry the faith of an entire world on your shoulders. If you let them down, we are all lost." With that he swept out.  
  
The truth always hurts, but coming from Snape, it's fucking caustic. I hate this. This is so horribly unfair. The only thing I can remember truly wanting and I can't have it because of my fan club. Voldemort should have killed me. I hate my life. I hate Snape and I hate that I can't tell reality to go sod itself because I officially don't give a damn. That would be a lie.   
  
Please. God please if you've ever had anything besides contempt for me, don't let this go away don't let them take him from me. He's mine...gorgeous and tempting and unlawfully gifted with his hands. Please. I'll do whatever you want. I'll be nice to Dudley. I'll stop breaking school rules. I'll hang the invisibility cloak in a glass case and I'll never use it again. I'll stop feuding with Draco. I'll tutor Neville. I'll do anything but please....  
  
"He's right," Lucius whispered, pressing his lips to my forehead. "I'm so sorry."  
"No." This can't be what it feels like because it feels like a goodbye.  
"This is my fault."  
"No."  
"I wanted this so badly." So do I. Pleasepleasepleasegod. "But this isn't right."  
"I don't care about them. Any of them."  
"You are a horrible liar."   
"How can you just accept this?"  
"Because the alternative is to let him win and he'll kill you, angel. The feast of swan will be served at last."  
"Swan?" He smiles sadly.  
"You. My swan. My impossible dream."  
"Not impossible. We could-"  
"Forget who we are? "  
"Yes. In the Muggle world-"  
"We'd still be an oddity."  
"Isn't an oddity better than an impossibility?"  
"You'd turn your back on them all?" I nodded vigorously. "You're not letting them down for me, understand?" I didn't want to hear this...he grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. "I'm. Not. Worth. It."  
  
Is there an anti-Potter conspiracy? Do I ever get a break? Parents- dead. Family members- hate me. Man I (most likely) love- leaving me. Oh, and the evilest man in existence is set on killing me. Want to trade lives? I'll take almost anything.  
  
"Last night," he whispered.   
"The absolute last?"  
"Yes, love."  
  
Is it possible to stop the sun from rising?  
  
***  
Um....Comments? Suggestions for improvement or later happenings? Happy holidays to all and a very merry new year (hopefully filled with wonderful fics)!!   
  
Love and cheer,  
J. Silver 


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